How Can I Get My Partner to Stop Micromanaging My Money?

Joint Accounts

It’s hard not to feel resentful

Dear Joint Accounts,

My partner and I both work full time, and we both contribute to our household expenses. She outearns me substantially — which I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t I feel that she micromanages my spending.

She knows that I have almost nothing left after taking care of bills and necessities each month. Whenever we sit down to budget, she questions all my financial decisions like I’m a child — why I spent money on this or that, or, don’t I think that purchase was frivolous? And every time, I get defensive and we get into an argument.

Am I being unreasonable? I want to know how to overcome this feeling of resentment before it blows up, but I don’t know which one of us needs to back off.

Sincerely,

Reaching Resentment

As someone who can also be a bit controlling when talking money with loved ones, I can understand where your partner is coming from, and how frustrated she may be feeling. On the other hand, I get where you’re at, too, because I’ve had people tell me how cruddy this makes them feel.

Your partner probably doesn’t fully realize how she’s coming across when she’s financially shaming you, or the effect that it’s having. To her, it probably seems like you’re just being defensive because of what she perceives to be bad financial behavior.

Still, without knowing all the details, it does sound like she needs to back off a bit. Even if you could use some help with your budgeting (and hey, we all could use a little help), micromanaging someone is rarely effective, and often is counterproductive.

The first step to getting her to ease up is talking about how her behavior is making you feel.

But let’s try to see this from her side, too. Why does she feel she needs to micromanage your money? That’s not a rhetorical question; it’s something to explore with her. Control issues are often rooted in fear and insecurity, so what is she fearful or insecure about? For instance, I worry about my family’s financial stability. I don’t mean to micromanage or scrutinize their decisions, but I also want the best for them, so when I see them making decisions that appear risky or frivolous, my inner control freak comes out. Chances are, your partner’s behavior is coming from a similar place.

Just because it’s well-intended doesn’t mean it’s okay, though. The first step to getting her to ease up is talking about how her behavior is making you feel. (Something I’ve found to be helpful in situations like this: A therapist once told me to literally pick some feelings from this list to help pinpoint them.) To avoid sounding accusatory, present your feelings as “I” statements — so instead of, “You make me feel inferior when you talk about money,” you would say, “I feel inferior when we talk about money.”

The second part of this exercise involves talking to your partner about what she can do to change the dynamic. How can she reduce these feelings of inferiority when you talk about money together? Maybe it’s not scrutinizing your purchases line by line. Maybe it’s avoiding passive-aggressive questions. Or maybe it’s simply reassuring you that she’s not judging.

The second part of this exercise involves talking to your partner about what she can do to change the dynamic.

At its core, this issue can probably be boiled down to the two of you having different financial goals and perspectives. That’s a topic I’ve written about before, so I won’t get into it too much, but a big part of the solution is allowing each other financial autonomy. That is, you should both be free to make your own money decisions while still respecting your joint financial obligations and goals. People who are good with money are the ones who feel in control of their money, and that’s hard to do when you’re barely scraping by or have a partner who belittles you. When you don’t feel like you have any control over your own finances, things start to unravel. People start hiding purchases, for instance.

Once you clear the emotional blocks, you and your partner should be able to sit down and talk about your finances in a more objective way. An exercise I recommend to couples is to figure out your money “script” — that is, your approach to dealing with money. (A money avoider, might have difficulty mustering the will to stay on top of their finances, for example, while a money worshipper pursues the accumulation of wealth as the key to happiness.)

Use this information as a baseline to better understand each other’s perspectives as you figure out a path forward. Having a loved one that supports and encourages is a valuable resource in feeling financially empowered. My hope is that your partner will see that to help you get your finances in order, she has to be willing to meet you where you’re at.