How Can I Stop Being Weird About My Partner Covering My Rent?

Joint Accounts

He’s asked me to live with him for free while I’m in school, but I’m uncomfortable being so dependent on him

Welcome to Joint Accounts, a weekly advice column about money and relationships of all kinds. Have a question? Email jointaccounts@medium.com.

Dear Joint Accounts,

For the last three years, I’ve been in a long-distance relationship: I live in Oregon, he lives in Germany. Recently, I made the decision to move to Germany to be with him. I’ll be getting my master’s degree there, and will enter the country on a student visa, which restricts my working hours.

Fortunately, I won’t have many expenses. Tuition is free at German public universities, and my partner has graciously offered to let me stay with him rent-free. I appreciate it, but at the same time, I’m uncomfortable being so dependent on him. How do I work through these feelings? How do I talk about this with him so that he isn’t insulted? How do I swallow my pride and accept this privilege?

Sincerely,

Reluctant to Be Rent-Free

I think it’s important to say this first: It’s completely normal to feel some trepidation about this. You’re going back to school, moving to another country, and moving in with your significant other, all at the same time, when each of those big life changes is already stressful on its own. It’s no surprise that you’re feeling vulnerable and worried about losing your independence.

From a purely practical standpoint, though, your partner is offering you a lifeline in a tricky financial situation, especially if you’ll be legally limited in your ability to support yourself. It’s worth considering, once you’ve ruled out a few potential ways this situation could potentially turn ugly.

First, would you make the same offer if your roles were reversed? The arrangement he’s proposing is one that pretty clearly signifies commitment. If you’re not equally invested in the relationship, you might feel like you’re taking advantage of him (or he might feel taken advantage of). If you are, then it might be helpful to mentally reframe the situation: This isn’t him doing you a favor. This is him making it possible for you two to take the next step in your relationship.

Second, do you trust your partner to not hold this over your head? You’ve been together for three years, but it’s still a question you have to ask. If he can be somewhat controlling, is it possible that he would use this situation as a way to manipulate you, even unconsciously? Is it possible he could become resentful?

If you do trust your partner not to use this against you, then talk to him about exactly what this offer entails. Lending money to a loved one only works if you establish some ground rules up front; the same applies here. Does he expect you to pay him back after your degree? Will he expect you to handle most of the household chores, or cover the cost of meals out or other things you do together? It’s important to outline the details of this arrangement, and maybe even write them down. If it would make you more comfortable to have a more official financial stake in the household, perhaps you could offer to pitch in a lesser amount for rent or be in charge of other expenses, and build that into the agreement.

Don’t be afraid to get granular; the fewer unknowns, the more you can set your mind at ease. You might even set some emotional ground rules — for instance, you might put into the agreement that if you get into an argument, he can never hold the rent over your head.

Not to be a pessimist, but you should also think about a backup plan, in case your living situation doesn’t work out. That’s not a knock on your relationship. Living with someone isn’t always easy. You can be the happiest couple in the world, and still be thrown by the new dynamic that emerges when you move in together. It’s an adjustment, and when disagreements happen, that rent thing could start to feel like a big burden. The last thing you want is to have to scramble for another housing option as a cash-strapped student in a foreign country, so have a sense of your other options ahead of time. This next step might seem less scary — for both of you! — to know that you wouldn’t be stuck together in a bad situation if things go south.

None of this is to dissuade you from taking the leap. But if you want to give your relationship the best chance of succeeding when you’re no longer long-distance, you should address all your concerns and questions before you decide what to do. Talk to each other about the possible pain points and hiccups that this rent-free situation might cause, and see if you can get on the same page on expectations.

If you do decide to take him up on the offer, a little preventative relationship maintenance means that when you do move in, you can think of it as an exciting next step.