My Financial Journey Into the Depths of Hell

It takes me so long just to get clarity in writing. I put it off and put it off, choosing to simply keep doing the daily grind thing instead. I can’t seem to force myself to stop burying my head in the sand, and to do the work. Why? I’m afraid of confronting, because I’m afraid there are no solutions. The bit of digging I’ve done, offer me no solutions. Everything I read about how to handle life at this stage of debt mess, says that I have to just wait it out. 7 years before my credit can improve. I reject this. I will find a fucking way.

Last night, I put it down in writing. And basically, I’m in the red monthly, by about $1200. On the surface, that seems like a huge increase in income to somehow try to find. Thankfully, I’ve been studying financial mentors for about 2 years now, and I don’t see it as impossible. I even have real life examples, such as a friend who is getting herself out of debt by working full-time and freelancing and driving Uber on the side. She’s making $400 a week extra — exactly my $1200 needed. She doesn’t possess greater skills than me. If she can do it, I can do it.

I can’t drive Uber, at least not with my Jeep the way it is. (It’s lifted and I have no step.) I need to modify it or choose something else. My beautiful 4-door Jeep Wrangler is also a puzzle piece that is ridiculous. $600 a month car payment. And I missed my window of opportunity to trade it for a lessor car payment. Or to even refinance. I should have done it before the missed credit card payments and the downhill slide of my credit score. It’s probably too late for that now. More research to be done.

The internet is a beautiful thing, and I know there are answers to be had. But our society in relation to debt and money, is not a beautiful thing. We reward those who don’t struggle, and encourage dependency and a victim mentality on those who do. But those of us who find ourselves in this place are not powerless, and being a victim is a choice. I will not accept endless failure or reliance on federal aid, just because there is no good advice, help, or encouragement out there.

What I did last night, was a huge step. I can now see my goal in black and white. The facts for me at this point, are that I have no more choice of using credit. That’s gone and I must live within my means. This is actually a positive thing, forcing me to increase my income and decrease my expenses. I may have to give up Netflix and even health insurance for a while again. But it’s all doable. And the next step after that, is my battle with the creditors. I know they have the power to take those marks off my credit report. There has to be a way to fix/improve my credit, besides waiting it out. Just because something is accepted by a majority, does not make it an only choice. Puzzle solving requires an open mind and a bull-headed insistence for better solutions.

I’m going to find them, damn it.